From Today to Forever
by Starskysea
Summary: Through the eyes and hearts of the Juunishi unfolds what may be the most important day in their lives: Tohru’s wedding.
1. Choices

_I hope you enjoy this story; I've been working over it for ages and, to tell the truth, I'm quite proud of it!_

_Reviews are of course very appreciated –winkwink-_

_I decided not to put "Yuki" here because it came out all wrong. Maybe I'll add it on, someday when I find the right way to write him…_

_I'd put in the order of character POVs, but I think it'll be more fun to guess, now, won't it? ;)_

_A/N 2012: Mind you, this was written years ago, before the series ended, back when the conclusion was unwritten and open to speculation. This is by no mean an alternate ending…more like a stylistic exploration of possibilities. I always felt a particular freedom with Furuba because it was such an integral part of my being. Anyhow, the whole thing is finished and saved on my computer (it has been for ages), and I've decided to continue uploading the chapters. I'm too attached to this story to let it waste… _

**Choices**

An eyebrow lifts skeptically, then a second one lifts to join the first, and I feel that my eyes have grown extremely large and fish-like from surprise. They're sincere? I gape at them, and nearly swallow a fly before realizing how dumb I look and closing my mouth. I ask them to repeat what they said, because I haven't cleaned my ears for a while and my hearing can fail me sometimes. But I hear exactly the same thing as I did before, and they still stand there, looking up at me hopefully. Reflexively, I rub my chin, then go for the more unceremonious method and scratch my head. I look at them. Maybe I should grow a beard. Beards are so sophisticated, and moustaches are elegant. They're still looking up at me, I notice, and here I am, trying to distract myself for the most urgent question at hand.

"Please, Gure-nii-san", sweet Tohru-chan kicks in. Well, how can I resist? A smile breaks the calm surface of my face as I behold them—two sweet lovers, together, holding hands. I shake their hands, congratulate them. They beam at me, at thank me, and ask if I can spread the news and invite everyone to their wedding because they are too shy to do it themselves. I laugh. Too shy. There they go. "Of course I'll tell everyone", I say, and I mean it.

They are the sweetest thing I ever saw.

Tohru and Yuki. The deserve each-other, fit each other. Although I would have expected, deep inside me, that it would be Kyo, and not Yuki, to find his way to Tohru's heart. But if it's Yuki, it's Yuki, I'm not complaining.

_Maybe Yuki is even a better weapon to get to Akito's heart._

I see them walk away, awkwardly, and Yuki bends down to shyly kiss Tohru on the lips, then they walk on, oblivious to the world around. They've earned the joy. But as Yuki kisses Tohru again, I see Kyo looking at them from behind a half-closed door. Tohru sees him too, and breaks away from Yuki's embrace, running off to do her own business somewhere in the house. A deep anguish settles in me, and I wonder, just what this can mean, and what it will ensue. For all of us, Juunishi. And for her. Tohru-chan. I hope you chose well…


	2. Perfection

**Perfection**

I snip carefully at the ribbon, cutting it at the precise angle I want it to be cut at. I pick two pearls from a small box, and carefully sew them into the center of the bow. I pin a white cloth rose to the corset and step back to admire the effect. Perfect. Just what a young and lavish bride like Tohru-chan needs. The dress fits her perfectly; size, style, just the right amount of that little something that will make her stand out a mile without imposing herself too much. Exactly what she needs.

The wedding is tonight, but I don't hurry. There is nothing to hurry about; the dress is finished, and all I can do is make it better, and better, and still it will be perfect until it reaches a level of perfection such that it hurts the eyes, or I make a mistake and ruin it. I guess I'm a little afraid to touch the dress, to do anything else, in case it comes out badly, but I can't help it. And my little brother will be so happy…

Yuki. Finally, he found the love of his life, and now he'll fly away with his very own wings, break away from any dominion Akito could have exerted on him. Finally happy. He glowed when he announced the news, with an inner light that couldn't be dimmed. And Tohru, she looked so…overwhelmed, with emotion. And happy.

Now all I should do is wait. Wait for the wedding, the banquet, the celebrations. I start to imagine the hum of voices, clinking of glasses, the music, the colors. The appreciation of my dress, of course. But my thoughts rush back to the past, where they linger on Tohru's expression. The glimmer in her eyes. The soft wetness. Tears of joy or tears of pain?

I look at the dress again. Perfect. Yet the perfection is a flaw. Nobody's perfect. Nobody. And it's better that way. I walk up to the bow, and gently pull one of the pearls away. It's barely noticeable, and yet I feel like something has righted itself, settled back into what it should be.

Nobody's perfect, I think as I survey the gown one very last time.

Nobody.

_But we try to hide it so much that sometimes we end up ruining each other._


	3. Thoughts

**Thoughts**

Ayame seems satisfied, so I am too, to keep in the mood. There is much to do, and the short breaks I get are themselves very tiring work. Such as entertaining Ayame.

Of course, I could just forget it all and leave, preferably to some quiet, sunny spot where I can close my eyes and rest. And of course, I can't.

Not that spending time with Ayame bothers me; on the contrary, he can be quite amusing, but also annoying. Like now.

"Oh Ha'ri Ha'ri Ha'ri, you should really see the dress'ri Ha'ri! It's wonderful, beaaaauuuuuutifoooool, perrrrrrrrfect!"

"I shall see it at the banquet, like everyone else." Of course I will. And I'm sure it will be beautiful, just like Ayame says.

"But Haa-chan, you could be one of the only ones who see it FIRST."

I am not interested in seeing anything first. But that's not a way to put it with easily upset Ayame.

"I'm sorry Ayame, but I am too busy. Maybe later."

"You are NO FUN, Ha'ri." Ayame pouts.

I should have known it would end like that.

But now that Ayame has finally shut up, I can start listening to the birdsong outside the little café in which we are waiting for our tea. It's warm, and I'm getting drowsy and at ease, sinking comfortably into the soft chair.

"Oh Ha'ri, I'm so sorry, I never realized!"

Never realized what? I sit up, alert, pulled violently out of my pleasurable snooze.

"What is it, Ayame?"

"I didn't realize you were THAT tired. I'm sorry I didn't believe you when you said you had been busy."

I exhale with exasperation, and look at Ayame.

"WHAT?" he asks, obviously oblivious to what he's just done. In this case, woken me up.

I shake my head slowly, indicating that we should leave the subject. Ayame understands and starts chattering about some thing or other that is close to his heart, but even though my eyes are closing, I do not feel like sleeping. Instead, I think. About Kana, mostly. Happy memories come to my mind as I picture her face, memories of joy, and laughter; spring. Somehow, at moments, her face mingles with that of Tohru, and all of a sudden, my thoughts have switched to her, and her wedding. Yuki, eh? He deserves to be happy at last, and I think she deserves the break too, but personally, I would never have imagined Tohru married. At least not to him. But no concrete thoughts come to me as I think of a suitable bridegroom. Maybe, with the amount of insight I have, Kyo. But it is all wishful thinking, as he is going to be locked up anyway. And its better it be Yuki. He needs the support.

I drift off to some level or other of my consciousness, until I reach a place where I can feel so much more than I would usually have.

And I feel…culmination.

The beginning of the end.

_But what an end, I do not know._


	4. Flowers

**Flowers**

I pick a flower. Then another flower, because they're so beautiful. Then I drop the flowers, because I just killed them. I hate myself for killing the flowers, for destroying them. I always destroy everything. I want the flowers for Tohru and Yuki's wedding, but I don't want to bring them something dead, something I killed, something I destroyed. I pick the flowers up, slowly, gently. I dig a hole in the soft earth, and bury the flowers, whispering a prayer so they go to flower heaven. I chuckle at the thought, but shut up immediately. It was I who made these flowers die, and now I laugh at them. My hands drop to my sides as I look at the fresh grave. I feel ashamed.

I amble slowly down the sidewalk, head bent. I don't want people to stare at me, but the still do, and I feel cruel for wanting to make them turn away. _I _can look at them all I want, and they don't mind. Or do they? Maybe I disgust them so much that they don't want me to deprecate them with my eyes? My gaze itself must be some kind of blasphemy to the world. I think, not for the first time, that my presence certainly blemishes this earth. I would have done better never to come out of my mother's womb. I am a shame, an atrocity. And people still stare, probably thinking about how the sight of me ruined their day. My head sinks lower, and I quicken my pace. I am sure Tohru and Yuki won't even be happy to see me at their wedding.

Tohru insisted. She looked glad to see me. Maybe she even was. Deep inside me, hope blossoms. Maybe they won't mind having me there. Maybe they'll be pleased to receive my gift. I look at what I am carrying in my hands: a flower pot with two, beautiful yellow flowers, cheerful and alive in it. I'm imagining the expression on Honda-san's face when she sees the flowers: it's a happy one.

I know I'm fooling myself, and she'll probably be irritated; flowers have to be watered, and eventually they die and shed petals around the house, and maybe she doesn't like the smell, the color. But deep inside, I hope that she _will_ like them.

_I hope I can trust myself enough to give her this and see a smile on her face. _


	5. Family

**Family**

It's so wonderful! The wedding, it's TODAY! And there's so much to do! I've already carried four chairs to the long table, and I'm going to dance for Tohru and Yuki and everybody else. Everyone is rushing around, making adjustments to the decorations, laughing and talking and being happy. I jump about, offering to carry things for them, to sing a song or bring a drink, but they all say that "no, we're okay", so I have to find something to do that won't bother. The problem is that there's nothing and everything to do, and the food looks so delicious I could eat it right away, though of course I have to keep it all for Tohru-chan's wedding, and because everyone else will want some too. Hatori is looking over all of us, and me especially, he says, because I'm a Troublemaker. I don't mind. It's fun when Hatori looks, because he never misses anything, however hard I try to hide whatever I do. It's like a challenge, see if I can steal a nigiri without being noticed, or throw some confetti on a chair. Even though I always lose and he wins, it's fun, and it passes time wonderfully.

Hatori tells me to go outside, and for once I agree, because I'm tired of sitting here waiting. I run out in the large garden and look up immediately to the blue sky, filled with little white puffy clouds that remind me of animals. I lie down on the ground and look at the evolution of the big white beasts. A sheep flies by, then a turtle, then a snail. And then I see a bunny! One just like me, but whiter and rounder. Just as the bunny starts turning into a panda, I hear noise behind the hedge. I stand up, curious, because the voices seem familiar, and whatever it is, I HAVE to investigate. I peer over the hedge, and my blood turns to ice, then unfreezes in one second and starts humming sweetly. It's mommy and Momo, and they're looking for something, only I don't know what, until I see a large yellow ball lying in the grass on my side of the hedge.

I pick it up and toss it over, grinning at them as I throw a hasty greeting in their direction, devouring mommy and Momo with my eyes, taking in all I can. Mother smiles at me, a small, quick smile, the kind you throw at your friends' children and not your own. But then, she surprises me more than she ever has.

"Could you look after Momo for five minutes? I have some urgent business inside, and I really can't bring her."

Mother has asked me to stay with my little sister. I feel my cheeks flush, and my heart is near to bursting with pleasure, barely concealed.

I nod, and she leaves, Momo staying behind and looking at me with large eyes.

I think about what Tohru told me, that day she came to the main house.

I sit down in the grass, and Momo imitates me. I smile, and she does too, a small, shy smile, growing bigger by the minute.

We sit there in silence, until, suddenly, out of nowhere, Momo whispers:

"Hello, onii-chan…"


	6. Complications

**Complications**

A candid smile lingers on my face as I hide the turmoil inside me. Yes, she's beautiful, yes, it's a big day in her life, and yes, I know it's all wrong. At least, it _feels_ wrong, deep inside me. But feelings come and go, leaving aftertastes or nothing at all, changing constantly to accommodate new experiences, new discoveries. New pain. But pain is only a word for a feeling, and feelings come and go, leaving aftertastes or nothing at all…

Pain is the same as love.

Does that mean we need to suffer for the love of others?

Doesn't that mean we should suffer and live for _our_ love?

Isn't life a constant struggle to stop suffering, and if we stopped struggling we would stop living?

My struggle—and I have come to understand that long ago—is precise and defined, although I myself am a many layered coherence of matter. It doesn't agree with me much, but there's nothing I can do. Some people may appear simple, such as Tohru perhaps, but their struggles are infinitely complex and versatile. And Tohru is herself a many-layered person.

I am selfish. I pride myself for my selfishness, because overcoming it is another struggle for me. It is one of the struggles I enjoy, as opposed to that other struggle, in my nature, which I have no control over. The voices, that I have managed to dim, still resurge from time to time and haunt me.

I wonder, sometimes, how Tohru would cope with voices, and many-layered knowledge.

She's going to marry.

The right event, but is it the right person? I feel like she's being pulled away from me, and what the more, by the wrong hands.

I often see her gaze turn away from her bridegroom to peer into the shadows, searching for a face I know, and yet I don't. I don't know any of them, but him less, or maybe more, because my attention is indefinitely drawn to him. He's as multi-layered as I am; but in a different sense from mine, more solid and material than any I have ever seen. Or felt. I can't figure it out, and I don't need to, but I feel that if I did, I would understand Tohru's world better, and that is always a bonus, because her world is a remarkable thing.

And the person who is the main occupant of her world, apart from her, is not her bridegroom, I notice with perplexion. At least, to me it doesn't seem like it.

I don't know why Tohru would lie to herself. It's why I want to know her better, to answer that question. Tohru isn't one to follow a path that isn't hers. What pulled her out of her way, I couldn't yet guess. But I will find out. I _will_! Whatever complications it takes to get there.


	7. Magic

**Magic**

I twirl around as the music rises and falls in rhythm to my dance, my Kimono flapping around wonderfully. I feel free, like I'm flying, free of some kind of chain that binds me to the ground. Everyone claps, and cheers, but mostly they sit in raptured silence, staring at me with what looks like delight in their eyes. And finally, the music ends, and my breathlessness catches up with me as I sink to the ground, muscles aching, pride filling my heart. I've never danced so well. Onee-chan beams at me, and Yuki-kun smiles, and everyone seems happy. I run up to Onee-chan and she hugs me tight. There are tears in her eyes. But she tells me reassuringly that she's never seen anything so beautiful.

Everything here is wonderful; the room, the decorations, the music. I sit down at the table regaining my breath and looking around joyfully. It's like every time after a dance; I feel like everything I see is ten times brighter, everything I feel ten times stronger, everything I do ten times more powerful, more meaningful. It's like magic runs through my veins and makes me more real. Or maybe less real. I can never put words to that feeling, and I've learned through time never even to try. So I keep sitting, taking it all in, enjoying the feeling while it lasts.

I look back at Onee-chan, curious to see what she's doing now. She's looking at Kyo-kun with a strange glister in her eyes, and I wonder why, but Hiro pulls me away to show me something. I run after him, throwing questions at him and laughing, just because I'm excited and happy and Hiro's hand holding mine feels so warm.  
But when we come outside, the laughter stops short in my throat, and my eyes open in wonder. There's a round, full moon in the sky, lighting up it's silky darkness, and stars glisten in it like small diamonds, too many to count. It's breathtaking.

Hiro isn't looking at the sky, I notice through the corner of my eye. He's looking at me, and smiling. A small smile, a Hiro smile. I turn to face him, and smile back. He takes my other hand, holds it, and my heart starts beating so fast I can't keep track of all the emotions running through me, except I know they all blend into a deep, deep rush of joy. The next thing I know, my lips are touching his, or his are touching mine and somehow they manage to touch each over and over again, and the sky starts spinning, a blur of diamond stars tracing bright paths all around us. I melt in his embrace, and let myself get swept up in the current of never ending light.

_It's magic, and nothing else. Or maybe everything. _


	8. Obsession

**Obsession**

They're there! I see them! I beam inside, because they are the sweetest couple ever, and they are so perfect, and Yuki is happier than he has been in ages and ages and now Tohru can help him and how they'll be so happy together and…

I want to hug someone tight, cry and laugh and sing, because I know now that everything will be alright, and Akito-sama cannot interfere, and they will all be happy.

I run up to Rin, who is sitting in her corner and doesn't seem to care, but Rin's always like that. I chatter uselessly, but that's only to discharge the buildup of happy energy that swells inside me.

I don't even know quite _why_ I'm so happy. It's this atmosphere, this happiness. And it's also because somewhere inside, I feel anxious. I always tend to overreact when I'm anxious, usually involving hitting Kyo or breaking something. I chuckle at the thought, but seriousness overcomes me. I've had such an easy life compared to his. I've had most of what I've wanted, a family, friends, clothes, respect, good grades…  
And him. What did _he_ get?

_He got my love_, a voice inside me says. Isn't that enough? But I know it never will be.

A thought has occurred to me. If Tohru and Yuki managed to marry and be happy, me and Kyo could do the same. Oh, if only Kyo…

But Kyo loves Tohru. I watch him, standing in the shadows, his eyes set on her like twin embers, glowing with something I can't understand. Why ever doesn't he love me? I'm no worse than Tohru, maybe even better in some aspects. And I tried, I tried so hard.

OOOOHHHHH! They are going to make a speech! How absolutely awesome! I listen hard, but too excited to really take their words in, I end up simply gazing at Tohru's beautiful dress and daydreaming about my wedding with Kyo.

It's going to be just as perfect as this, only not half as conservative. I want something bright, maybe cat and boar banners everywhere, and cake, and balloons, and little cupids and fountains and mazes and flowers and clothes and dances…

The speech has ended, and I snap out of my reverie to look at the two lovers, beaming at each other, holding hands.

They deserve each other, I reflect, as I pick my way through the crowd, towards my beloved Kyo…


	9. Failures

**Failures**

I've been forced to come to this silly attempt at a disruption in the Sohma stability, but I have to say that I am surprised. It's…crowded, even though there can't be more than twenty people. It feels good to mix in with them for once, even though all I really mix in with are shadows. It's nice to know I've been invited, although I've only been invited to see something collapse. And everything is collapsing around us, I realize, as I look into Tohru's face and see tears in her eyes. Because I know that everything is wrong, and that it will be even more wrong in the end. I really thought that hope exists, but it's a fairytale in a perfect world where no one makes mistakes. This is the biggest mistake I have ever seen, and I feel its power in the very marrow of my bones, sinking deep into my flesh, crawling through my mind in tendrils of misty smoke.

Kagura comes up to me, chattering about something marginally important, but neither of us is really listening to her talk. We're both sitting in our own little world; hers made out of spun light towers and marigolds, and mine…

Akito-like shadows lurk in the corners of my world, threatening to topple the little balance I have found. Every single failure I've endured dwells in this world, haunting me, driving me on, and away, towards new failures waiting to be committed. And _they_'re there, somewhere near the core, where I can't reach them, where pain throbs endlessly to remind me of those words I spoke that made everything go down the drain.

I see their images, first smiling at me tenderly, then, faces distorted with disbelief and rage, as glass shatters and hands claw. I see myself, a small girl in a white dress, sitting in the middle of all the fury, and wondering why I ever asked, why I never knew.

That's my world. But nobody cares.

Kagura has walked away, and I see her run up to Kyo and catch his hand. Everything is so simple for them. It's a one-sided love, no danger, no pain. I look for Haru in the crowd, and see him, leeching on Yuki like he usually does, pathetically hanging off his arm, a puppet. But Haru's arms are strong; I can still recall them, holding me tight, keeping me from falling over the edge. He saved me, and I should save him too, only my courage fails. Like Yuki saved himself, and like Kagura, always keeping herself from tipping over, or Momiji, standing at the brink and doing nothing, but never needing to. Unlike me, who almost reached the bottom countless times.

But I'm saving him now, from Akito's wrath, from my endangering presence. And I haven't failed yet.


	10. Hope

**Hope**

No. No, No and NO! Still inside me a voice whispers "yes" over and over again, and I can't help but agree with it. It's him. Here. Now. What is he doing? Why did he come…?

Tohru's wedding. He must be one of Yuki-kun's relatives, someone _they_ know. My mind cannot admit that this is one of Tohru's schemings to put us together. Maybe she spent weeks looking for him, asking around, embarrassing herself before strangers just to find my crush.

Yet again, my heart tells me it is not a crush, but something deeper, stronger. My hands itch to dive into his hair, my body longs to be pressed against his, and, feverishly, I gaze at his perfection and wish he were mine. But if he ever noticed me, he acts like he didn't. Maybe he forgot me? But my childish behavior that one time we met cannot be forgotten. Or excused. Crying in front of a stranger, acting stupid and possessive; only someone like me can be that much of a klutz.

But just now I caught him glancing at me, and my heart beats ten times faster at the thought.

Pulled towards him like a magnet to a refrigerator, I suddenly can't keep myself under control. My feet, almost disconnected from my will, rush me towards him in fewer steps than I thought possible. Was I _flying_ just now? And all for a man I barely know? Oh, Arisa, is _that _what have you come to?

And that's when I stop in front of him, and, like a child, gaze longingly into his face. He looks down at me, as if aware of my presence for the first time, but from the twitch in his mouth and the spark in his eyes, I see he's been waiting for me to come up to him.

Suddenly, I'm shy, head lowered, cheeks red with embarrassment. What will I do? What will I say? Everything that comes to mind feels wrong for the occasion, and my awkwardness increases as I search in every corner of my mind for a suitable greeting. Just as 'hello' starts feeling acceptable, he speaks.

"You are Tohru-kun's friend, aren't you."

Tohru's friend? I flush with indignation. Is that _all_ he sees me as? The friend of a relative's bride, a minor character at a small family event. But in his tone I detect much deeper suggestions, and wonder why he won't put them out in the open. Well, two can play this game.

"Yes. Very happy to meet you again." I stress the 'again', putting emphasis on the fact that I am not only _Tohru's_ friend, but also, to a certain extent, his. I helped him pick up his grocery items up, for god's sake! _And_ I blubbered in front of him like a snotty kid. He bought me lunch. He said he would like to see me again. Did he also say he couldn't? Was that a subtle way of saying he didn't want to. Yet now he smiles warmly at me, as if nothing in the past or present can affect these few moments.

"I'm just passing" he says, and that's enough to make my expression droop. What does 'passing' mean? Does it mean he is planning to leave soon? Am I responsible for that departure?

"I'm sorry." he continues. He wouldn't have excused himself if he hadn't wanted to. It isn't a necessary part of conversation. Does that mean there is still hope? My expectations must show on my face clearly, I reflect, and I pull myself together in a mask of indifference. The game is still on, although at least one of the players is already tired of it.

"You should be." Yankee Arisa has returned. Ready to attack.

But she disappears as fast as she came, leaving defenceless Arisa to spill frustrated tears. That's twice now. How many times can a girl cry in front of a guy without getting noticed?

But now he lays a warm hand on my shoulder, and looks at my face apologetically.

"I'm really sorry Arisa. But it can't work out. You see, I promised someone very important that I wouldn't…leave her side. It doesn't mean I don't want to. It means I can't. I have to honour my promises."

Honour isn't important. It never is. Honour ruins people. But even through my feeble excuses, I see the truth. He's right, of course.

"Why? Why did you promise?" I mumble, trying to latch on to any piece of hope I can find.

His expression darkens, grows doubtful, agitated even. But soon, I can only see a mask of sorts, tranquil on the outside.

"It seemed important at the time."

So it doesn't seem important _now_? Hope has come back. His words tell me more than his face, even though I doubt it was meant to be that way.

And as he leaves the hall, my tears are themselves a mask to hide my blind assurance that it will all turn out fine in the end. A last attempt to bring my swooning heart back to earth.

Up on the podium, Tohru and Yuki-kun kiss.

Will everything _really_ turn out fine?


	11. Happy

_A/N 2012: Thank you for all the comments and the various alerts/faves I've gotten from you guys! It's such awesome motivation to keep uploading 3 Upon re-reading, I'm actually not as satisfied with this chapter as with the rest, so I'll post the next one today as well in hopes that it will make up for the iffiness. _

**Happy**

Yuki is priceless. And today, when he's laughing and smiling, he is even more so. Seeing him happy makes my heart soar, especially after all the sadness I've spotted in his eyes over the years. Tohru helped him like I never could, and yet he never made me feel left out. That's one thing I love about Yuki.

His wedding. Today. I smile at him and he smiles back, a smile filled with anticipation and joy. Well, he deserves it. I glance towards Rin, and see her glaring at me. I want to walk up to her and take her in my arms, make it like our own wedding day, but she doesn't want to see me anymore. So I cling to Yuki's arm and enjoy the warmth that emanates from him. It feels alright, all of a sudden, to just be.

Whatever people might think about me.

What _do_ people think about me? I barely care, usually, but sometimes it dawns upon me that it would be better if I knew. Although, knowing can't change anything in the protected life we juunishi lead.

I know Rin despises me. The way she glares at me from across the hall makes me want to pounce on her and eat her alive. Figuratively, of course. Kisa likes me, Hiro tolerates me. Akito holds me in some sort of grotesque esteem, yet keeps me at a safe distance. Shigure's manipulations haven't reached me yet. Momiji is always the same annoying pain in the ass. Ayame is less of a pain, more of an ass. But it all comes down to the same. Me. How _I_ see the world. How I see people. Not how they see me. I'm every bit the egoist. The purest kind. I couldn't live any other way. Unlike Tohru who probably never thought about herself and always about others.

Yuki says _I_ think about others. But how many of those "others" would he be able to name if he tried? Only those so dear that they might as well be a part of me. Still myself, always myself.

But now I think about Yuki, and I can almost feel what he feels. Happy.

If only we could all be happy today, I think, as I glance at Kyo sitting in his corner, at Kureno who, with a strange look in his eyes, is moving towards the exit.

But would everything be the same if we were all happy?

Somehow, I have trouble believing that.


	12. Broken

**Broken**

Broken. My eyes follow her, drawn to her lithe white form as they always were throughout the months we spent together. But now a fissure has grown between us to the size of a ravine, forever to keep us apart. I curse at the stupid rat, then I curse myself, then I remember I'm already cursed and shed hot tears, then I remember I'm a man and wipe the tears away, then I break a wall before I remember I have already broken ALL the walls, and all the floors, and all the cups, vases, plates, chairs, tables beds…and that everything around me, including me, is BROKEN!

And there she stands. "Hello, Kyo-kun. How are you, Kyo-kun?" Sweet, gentle Tohru. Don't you get it? I'm in love with you. Don't you notice?

And now, you're gone away with Yuki.

Stupid rat! Cursed rat! You always get everything—EVERYTHING! Everything _I_ would have liked to have…

Even Tohru.

I stand in a corner. I don't know why I even came, but I passionately want to see Tohru happy. I notice her, glancing at me every once in a while, and I don't know if her face expresses pity or sadness.

She's gorgeous. All in white, radiant. Surrounded, loved. She's probably angry at me, for ruining her wedding, for not being one of the people to come up and congratulate her. But how ever could I?

Oh Tohru. If only you knew how much all this hurts.

Long, silent seconds pass, and Kagura flitters up to me, grabbing my arm and smiling at me like a devoted puppy. She chatters about something, and I discern the words "bride" and "wedding" without understanding if she's talking about Tohru or about her stupid fantasy of marrying me someday. Why do all the _wrong_ girls fall in love with me?

I lean against the wall, catching my breath. The vows have been made, and now _they_ kiss. I feel a wave of nausea coming over me. 'Go away!' I shout at it. 'You'll ruin the party for her', my brain yells at me over and over. I want to be nice, to be open minded about this arrangement.

But deep inside, I know I can't stand it…

Kagura just left my side with a breathless "see you soon". I feel useless, dead, as if I had suddenly been plunged underwater without any chance of coming back out.

Tohru. She's looking at me again and, angrily, I wonder why she'd bother. Innocent, happy, RUTHLESS Tohru. Why make my pain more vivid, even now when it seems to have reached its horrifying peak? But now she's moving purposefully towards me, and my heart beats faster, even though I know it must be something trivial. Maybe she's even coming to demand congratulation from me, to reproach me for not being happy. I brace myself for the admonishments I'm bound to receive, prepare cruel words I would like to spit out at her and which will probably never reach my lips. Dear Tohru.

But when she's close enough to me that my hairs stand on end with the static of the warmth emanating from her skin, I see _it_.

She has tears in her eyes. Why?

She's going to cry?

WHY?

This is supposed to be the happiest day of her life.

Shock overpowers me, makes me freeze as her head falls against my chest, and she breaks into silent sobs.

"If only you had asked me first…"

And then I realize…

My heart starts crashing in my chest so fast I feel I can burst. My head has broken the surface of the dark, foul water it was immersed in for long seconds that felt like years. Only to be welcomed by the view of a barren, dusty battlefield where, like dead corpses, lie the remnants of my broken dreams.

It's too late.

She walks back to her husband, tears hastily wiped away by little hands. I turn around and leave, slamming the door behind me, barely caring how others will react. My sole desire is to inflict pain…if not to others, then to myself. Teeth grind, lips mumble words they didn't have the courage to say before. My fist connects with a wall, blood starts seeping through the scratched skin, but I don't care, I don't care, I DON'T CARE!

Too late.

If only I hadn't been such a useless, stupid coward. But it's too late.

Broken, I sink to the ground. Broken, my fears overtake me and I cower in the gloom.  
Broken, I picture her face in the depth of my mind, before locking her image away.  
Never again shall I think, hope, dream. Never again.

It's too late.


	13. Shreds

**Shreds**

I've been crying all day, my wedding day. Is that normal?

But I thought I was doing the right thing. I was so afraid he would drop back into his depression if I said no. I thought he would hate me. But he'll probably hate me more if he knew that I lied to him. I did. I lied. Saying yes was like saying 'I love you'. And I do, but not_ that_ way. Not the way you love someone you want to marry. Not the way I love Kyo.

And I love Kyo, more than life itself. It's by _his_ side I should be standing now, saying goodbye to all the wonderful people who came to the party, who danced and sang, brought gifts, helped prepare, and made it easier for me to go through this ordeal.

Luckily, no one has noticed. My crying, that is. It would have ruined everything for everyone to see me crying. And most of all for Yuki. How sweet Yuki has been. And still is, holding my hand and looking warmly at me. I feel all the worse for the lies in every sentence I pronounce. "Yes, I love you Yuki." No matter how I twist those words, however I put that love, 'brotherly love', 'friendly love', no matter how much I try to excuse my actions, there is no escape. Finally, the last hug is given, and a blushing Ritsu leaves the hall. I look up at Yuki, forgetting for a moment all that has happened, looking at him like I would have done back then, when there wasn't a string of lies binding us tight while stifling our calls for truth.

And to see Kyo leaving then, a distant look in his eyes—the Kyo I had come to love, so far away yet so close I could have touched him if ever I had mustered up the courage. I blame him now, against every word and feeling in my heart, I blame him for not having claimed me first. If, if only he had been there before, it would all have been different. Guiltily, I'm blaming this all on Kyo in ways that shock me. I tried to be good, I tried to be helpful. I thought I had succeeded, but it's all the same finally. We're all monsters, each and every one of us. Maybe I should never have ruined his pain. I came and pushed a knife into his heart. He should have kept on believing I loved Yuki. I should have laughed in his face and deceived with every word, every thought, just to make it clear to him that he should never try and come any deeper into the world I had established. I should have made the lie so powerful that no truth would be visible under its cover. I should have dirtied myself so much that I could not even think of coming clean again.

And instead, I went and built a wall of regret between us, regret that could soon turn to hate.

Hate for everyone.

Everything mother ever taught me, ruined!

I stand and pick at the shards of the glass I broke.

I am a wretch.

_I answered yes, but in my heart, I was saying no ten thousand times._


	14. Faith

**Faith**

My smirk hides the anguish that threatens to overpower any parcel of self-control I have. But Shigure talks detachedly, as if it were a matter of small concern, and his tone sooths me as much as his hypnotic gaze.

"The wedding, Shigure, tell me more about that."

I try to sound skeptical and amused, but fail pitifully. I had no say in the wedding arrangements; I only found out about a week ago, and at that point, it was too late.

"Yuki _has_ reached a high level of self-confidence, hasn't he, to defy you _so_ gravely."

At the moment, it's not as much by Yuki but by Shigure that I feel defied. He always finds ways to stab at me where it hurts the most, and I suspect quite on purpose. And the worst is that I can do nothing about it. Suddenly, his detachment instead of soothing me makes me wild with fury.

"Wouldn't you have liked to do the same?" Acidity constellates my honey-sweet tone, and my dog grows wary and defensive. And still I can't figure his thoughts out. Ever in control.

"Haven't I, already? Defied every law of gravity to be with you, today and forever." He has. Ever faithful, groveling for a reward. But I am not in a mood to be pleasant.

"You still have told me nothing. How did it happen? How ever could you let it happen?" He could have stopped it. He COULD have. If he'd wanted to.

"You really aren't asking me _that _question now, Akito. You know you have no interest in getting the answer. The party was interesting, from a purely technical point of view. There were balloons and confetti. A whole array of sweetmeats. Not many people. But enough."

Of course. If MY juunishi will ever be enough to content that witch. They were all there!

"Even Kureno…?" I don't need to finish my sentence. Kureno is an awkward topic between us. And Shigure WILL answer.

"He passed by. He didn't stay long."

As if that will ever suffice to stifle the growing panic inside my chest. How little time _would_ be necessary to rip him away from me? Something tells me that even half a second, in the right place, at the right time—but no! I will not think of that. I MUST not!

Suddenly, I'm tired of Shigure and his little games. Tired of the deceitfulness I can feel behind every word he speaks. Tired of the raw passion in his eyes when he's observing me without knowing I notice.

"Call Kureno. Find him, send him here." Urgency pierces through my fakely careless voice. I feel so tired I could topple over, even faintly nauseated.

Shigure still stands there, looking at me fondly, like I am a loved puppet of his.

"GO!" I snap. How the mongrel annoys me. My head is spinning. I wave an arm at him, willing him to finally leave, aching for Kureno's warm embrace. Of course he still loves me.

He has to.

_He promised._


End file.
